The other night, William sang "Happy Birthday" to trees, Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Wesley, Burt and Ernie, in that order. It was also the day I found out my friend Siri's mother had suffered a horrible stroke that she would not recover from (she passed away a beautiful young grandma surrounded by her family yesterday morning). Pain at this news trumped all of my other emotions, but I felt so much love and adoration of my little boy. Happy Birthday Trees, indeed. I am a sad person cloaked in love and joy. Mikey, Betty, Leah, Alex and Karen do not get any more birthdays after this summer. Just unending love.
Wesley learned to walk in the last couple of weeks. I realized he wasn't walking only because there are just too many toys on the floor. Away the toys flew to the attic and, poof, he learned to walk. His building blocks were his stumbling blocks!
The littlest smile from Wesley wipes away my tears for awhile. I think my heartache is for many types of losses. Diane in Peru. Mary in Washington. Miriam in Illinois. I try to find others to reach out to besides Zac and my mom, who are always listening ears. Reaching out to others leads me to facebook, where I am technically "connected" to hundreds of people. That "connection" has lately felt artificial and even harsh in contrast to the real life connections I previously enjoyed with these beloved friends. I grieve that I am no longer a part of their lives in a meaningful way. My reading their comments is not a conversation, but a wall. I feel like the wall is blocking something I can't describe. I decided to take a break from facebook to focus on real connections and my own need to process everything (good and bad) that's happened this summer.
Day 1 of no facebook: I caught myself talking to myself in small catchy phrases. "Just rocked Wesley to sleep. Bliss." Still want to come up with status updates, I guess. I thought about the Atlantic article I could post a link to. I thought about the upcoming shows I could promote through facebook. *sigh* Instead, I laughed at myself and enjoyed the moment with Wesley even more without trying to find a perfect phrase to describe it. I enjoyed the Atlantic article, a paper copy, with my coffee. I'll have to have real conversations about it, I guess. I decided to attend a MN350.org event and talk to other activists and made some new friends in the climate movement. I decided to write. Long phrases, then paragraphs. I'm up to 5 pages in a Word document now. It isn't a status update, it's a monologue of all the ideas I've been keeping in my head lately. Without facebook to catch little bits of my thoughts, they came together into something lengthier. Now a blog entry. It's just one day without facebook, not a radical lifestyle change. But already I feel more heard, more authentic. Facebook is a good tool, but it has never been a friend.
The weather snapped its fingers and became fall overnight. I dug out warm clothes and found a willing bin to receive the shorts and t-shirts. Our kids already have drippy noses. Fall is here. There is nothing to do but embrace what comes and let go of what is gone. Goodbye, Summer.
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